The Healthy Marriage

Written by Super User on 02 August 2013. Posted in Home Page

What is a healthy marriage?

Find out the keys to creating and sustaining the kind of marriage you dream about.

The essential element of a healthy marriage is not that you do not have disagreements or both of you are completely similar in all kinds of ways.

All couples do have their differences, but the essential element of a healthy marriage is emotional responsiveness. Emotional responsiveness means the couples have enough trust and emotional connection between them. Even though they may have their differences they always reach out for each other when it matters.

Some qualities of a Healthy Marriage

The Couples are:

Are trusting and trustworthy, are interpersonally honest yet tactful
Are proud of each other’s achievements, and give realistic praise
Are aware of their weaknesses and show efforts at constructive change
Enjoy talking and listening to one another, even when discussing areas of conflict
Are empathic and attempt to understand and meet their partner’s needs
Carefully consider the issues that face them, evaluating the pros and cons of alternatives. They try not to jump to hasty conclusions regarding important relationship issues.
Try to change personal habits that are irritating to their spouse
Are able to forgive and receive forgiveness from one another.

Biblical Principles for building a Healthy Marriage

(Best selling book on marriage- Model Marriage by Dag Heward-Mills)

We can glean some few principles from the Bible that can help us build healthy marriages.

1. Principle of Staying Together to Discover Each Other.

We recommend that newly married couples spend their first night together at a place where they can have maximum privacy e.g. a hotel, and also to take some time off for a honeymoon.

It is also important that they avoid pregnancy in the first few months or even a year so that they can adjust to each other if possible. (Deut. 24:5)

2. Principle of Humility in Sex

Some people are just too proud to get deeply involved in sex. Humility will open new chapters in your sex life. (Deut. 22:29)

3. Principle of Satisfaction at All Times

You must satisfy each other at all times. This means in the morning, afternoon, and evening. It means after one year or ten years in marriage, at anytime, anywhere; you must satisfy each other. Always means ALWAYS. (Prov. 5:19)

4. Principle of Being Ravished with Your Spouse

You must make a conscious effort to admire the different parts of your spouse’s body and beauty. (Prov. 5:19)

5. Principle of Having Confidence in Oneself

Confidence is very important in any relationship. You have to have confidence in yourself. You are nice, you are comely; fearfully and wonderfully made. You may be black or fair but you are beautiful and comely. You may have big or small breasts, but you are beautiful, comely and UNIQUE.

Avoid shattering your spouse’s confidence by refraining from making derogatory statements about the breasts, hips, size of genitals, stomach, legs, spots, and scars. (Song of Solomon 1:5,6)

6. Principle of Arousing Love

Love can be stirred up by speaking nicely to each other, treating each other nicely and surprising each other with nice little things.

When you have something nice to say to your partner, don’t keep it, speak up. Say “sorry” and “thank you” when you have to, and say “I love you” always. (Song of Solomon 2:7)

7. Principle of Belonging to Each Other

“To belong to” means “to own”. When you own something, you can have it at any time, and anywhere. So it is in marriage.

You belong to each other and you must have that attitude that I belong to my wife and she belongs to me.

(I Cor. 7:3, 4)

8. Principle of Admiring and Speaking about Each Other’s Beauty

Your partner cannot know what you are thinking about till you say it. It is important that you speak about the beauty of your partner. We often speak only when there is something negative to say. Why not speak when there is something positive to say?

What you say will be a seed that will lead to confidence and joy in your partner. (Song of Solomon 4:1-7)

9. Principle of Answering for Yourself Why Your Beloved Is Better than Others

You must be convinced in yourself that you married the right person.

Give yourself several reasons why your spouse is better than others.

Learn to see the advantages and benefits that he or she brings. DO NOT allow negative things to cloud out your appreciation of your spouse. (Song of Solomon 5:9)

10. Principle that Your Beloved Is the Best

Believe that your beloved is indeed the best amongst all the other options. (Song of Solomon 5:10)

11. Principle of Being in Love Forever

Because marriage is permanent, you can let yourself go without any fear. (Song of Solomon 8:6,7)

There are many references in the Bible regarding the importance of money. However, the Bible also warns us about coveting after money, which is the root of all evil.

For wisdom is a defence, and money is a defence: but the excellency of knowledge is, that wisdom giveth life to them that have it.

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

-1 Timothy 6:10

1. The Importance of Money in Every Venture

(a) Money is the medium of exchange for everything.

(b) As long as we live in this world, it is indispensable.

2. Attitude to Money in the Home

(a) Discuss money openly. Aim at transparency/openness in everything, especially in money matters.

(b) Avoid selfishness.

(c) Note that you (both) are only stewards of God’s money. Spend it according to God’s wishes and God’s Word.You are accountable to Him.

These areas can guide you:

i.God first (first and best fruits, tithes, offerings)

ii. Savings or some investment.

iii. Addressing your NEEDS, not your wants.

iv. Liabilities/obligations (debts, bills, remittances, blessing others).

v. Extra (miscellaneous) to afford for flexibility.

vi. Buying food in bulk saves money and reduces financial stress.

3. Understand the Realities of Housekeeping Money

(a) The mode of its operation must be discussed and mutually agreed upon.

(b) The husband must not be detached from realities while the wife must also not be prodigal in her spending.

4. Understand Financial Headship

5. Avoid lack of money

6. Know the dangers of covetousness

7. Know the dangers of comparison

8. Accept realities

For more information read one of the best books on marriage counseling, Model Marriage by Dag Heward-Mills

Speaking the truth in love to one another makes us grow up in our relationship with God. Similarly, speaking the truth in love to each other as married people makes us grow closer to each other.

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ

- Ephesians 4:15

A husband and wife must be the best of friends; share every success, disappointment, joy and pain together.

Speak

Husband and wife must always make the effort to speak to each other (the children in turn learn this). A clear sign of unhappiness is when the couple are very quiet at home but immediately a visitor arrives, they begin to talk. They, however, revert to silence when the visitor leaves.

1. Communication results in growth.

2. Speaking brings relief and healing.

3. Choose to speak life.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

- Proverbs 18:21

(a) Speak good things about your spouse, e.g. “I love you, you are wonderful, you look sweet, your food was good, you look charming”, etc.

(b) Confess positive things about your marriage.

(d) Speak about things that you do/do not like.

(e) Speak to edify.

Avoid These Things:

(a) Shouting

(b) Insulting

(d) Always bursting into tears

(e) Doing all the talking without listening to the other side

(f) Always keeping quiet and refusing to communicate

(g) Avoid words like “never” and “always” which confer a permanent negative verdict on the person.

Some examples include:

i. You are always late!

ii. You are never there when I need you!

iii. You never do anything right

Some Examples of Things Not to Say

(a)I will slap you!

(b) I will divorce you!

(d) You are hopeless!

(e) You are hopeless!

(f) I blame myself for marrying you!

(g) You can go to hell!

(h) You call yourself a man!

(i) I hate you!

(j) Can’t you be like Mr. X or Madam Y?

(k) You are ugly, you are a witch!

(l) This marriage will not last

(m) I don’t think we are meant for each other

(n) Prostitute!

(o) Bitch

Excerpt from Model Marriage - one of the best books on marriage counseling by Dag Heward-Mills

Problem Solving in Marriage

Written by Super User on 02 August 2013. Posted in Home Page

The home is a garden. Weeds keep cropping up in a garden that must be constantly removed, so that our planted seeds can grow well. Every normal marriage has problems and challenges. It is only when there is a fire that you see which of the sticks around you is actually a snake.

And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat...

- Acts 28:3

In other words, in times of trouble, the character of a spouse shows clearly.

Major Problem Areas in Marriage

(a) Communication

(b) Sex

(d) Temperament

(e) Children

(f) In-laws

(g) Job

(h) Housework

(i) Infidelity

It is in the interest of married couples to do all they can to prevent problems from showing up in their marriages.

If problems arise, your approach to solving them must be this:

(a) Pray about the situation.

(b) Be positive that there is a solution.

(d) Identify the causes (sincerely). Get to the root, not the tip of the problem.

(e) If necessary, consult your pastors.

(f) Read some of the best books on marriage counseling

Methods of Solving Problems

Be ready to compromise.

There is no winner or loser in marriage, you are one.

When there is a clear disagreement, the husband’s decision must stand and the wife must support it even if he turns out to be wrong. However, the man must not be domineering. He must not be a dictator in his house.

2. Things to avoid when solving problems:

(a) Do not shout.

(b) Do not share your problems with your relatives or friends.

(d) Do not use sex as a weapon (do not refuse him/her).

(e) Do not refuse to eat prepared food.

(f) Never use the word DIVORCE in quarrels.

(g) Avoid the counsel of the ungodly.

3. Have a forgiving attitude and spirit.

Forgiveness is very essential for the survival of the marriage.Do not be impatient and inconsiderate to your spouse.

4. Be prepared to talk frankly about the issue.

5. The other party must be willing to accept fault and apologize.

6. Do not let any problem color your future actions.

The Honeymoon

Written by Super User on 02 August 2013. Posted in Home Page

As couples prepare for their wedding, many focus more on the ceremony, the color coordination, the reception, the photography, and many aspects of the wedding day. However, one of the most important areas that the couple needs to put in time and money is their honeymoon.

The honeymoon is a vacation or trip taken by the newly married couple––a period of blissful harmony, supreme happiness, utter joy and relaxation. Therefore, it is important for the couple to plan to take some days off work and other activities.

A period of two weeks to one month should be fine. We recommend that the couple travel away from where they normally live.

In the Bible days, the newly married man was not supposed to go to battle for one whole year. The reason? To “cheer up his wife which he hath taken”!

The biblically stipulated period for a honeymoon is one whole year! So if we can only afford two weeks to a month then we should go for it.

The honeymoon allows the couple maximum privacy to discover each other and to explore this whole new area of marriage.

It allows them to relate more intimately and share their lives together in one place, in one room and on one bed.

Here are some amazing things you can do on your honeymoon…sweet memory lane.

Take memorable pictures of yourselves during the honeymoon (not naked, please)!

Say nice things to each other: “I love you”, “I’m glad I married you”, “and you look beautiful”, etc. should be common in your conversations.

Embrace each other often and take naps or watch TV while one rests his/her head on the other’s lap or bosom.

Talk with each other on any matters of interest to enhance fellowship and friendship. Talk about the wedding event, people you were surprised to see, plans for new home, etc.

Feel free to kiss and give each other pecks on the cheeks, lips and back of hand as you walk around. Kissing and touching must not only be a prelude to sex.

Have sex as many times as you have energy to perform in a day. A good stock of energy booster drinks (like the Red Bull) they say, may do some good.

Feel free to have sex at any time of the day.

Explore having sex at different locations during the honeymoon. For example,in the bathroom, living room, bedroom, kitchen etc.

Try different positions taught during the marriage counseling.

Try having sex with your clothes on after returning from a walk.

Take turns to bath each other, playing with your bodies in the process.

Sometimes sleep naked in each other’s arms.

You may walk around naked, like Adam and Eve in the house or room if you are sure there will be no intruders.

Go for walks under moonlight or on a quiet road while holding each other hand- in-hand, around the waist, or around the shoulders. The husband may occasionally lift the wife if he has the strength to do so.

Swim or play games of interest, stealing glances at each other and touching each other, from time to time.

Watch an interesting film together (something with a romantic theme may be nice).

Go for sightseeing to amusing and interesting spots.

At lunch or dinner sit opposite each other and play with your bare feet under the table (watch out for onlookers).

Dress in a suggestive way by wearing see through dresses, short skirts and short blouses.

Of course, you must have your quiet times, praying and reading your Bibles individually. Share your quiet times with each other and pray together from time to time.

What is a healthy marriage?

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